


in the end there's mercy

by prefertheconsultingdetective



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Captain America: The First Avenger, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-28 22:37:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8465608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prefertheconsultingdetective/pseuds/prefertheconsultingdetective
Summary: “Don’t do anything stupid.” he says and grins or is he grimacing, because what he's actually thinking is: this is it and he’s praying, too, please god, in all your mercy, save him from the world, take everything from me, strip me bare, but save him for me.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [и в конце будет даровано прощение](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11556882) by [fandom_EvanstanStarbucks_2017](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_EvanstanStarbucks_2017/pseuds/fandom_EvanstanStarbucks_2017)



> so I wanted to write something really sad for these two for a long time, so here we go, there's still a lot of angst left in me, so I might go again

"Jesus Christ, thats a pretty face  
the kind you’d find on someone that could save  
if they don’t put me away  
well it’ll be a miracle"

JESUS CHRIST - BRAND NEW

  
_this is how it ends_ , Bucky thinks, holding Steve’s small fingers between his. Icy and sweaty, pale skin and scraped knuckles and he grips and grips and never wants to let go. _This is how it ends_ , he thinks and fear wraps him in it’s icy blanket, making his breath clog in his throat and his heart beat like it wants to pump Steve’s blood, too.  
Steve, who is laying flushed and heaving in his bed, his eyelids fluttering and his throat rasping. His blond hair plastered against his forehead, looking like hay or an angel’s halo – Bucky was never quite able to decide.  
_This is how it ends_ , he thinks and realizes with terror that he’ll never have time to figure that one out.

  
*

  
Steve’s mouth is pulled into a grim line. The surrounding lights coloring his face in crass shadows. He’s stoically beautiful and Bucky’s heart pulls like it’s about to rip through it’s flesh and skin chamber.  
“Don’t do anything stupid.” he says and grins or is he grimacing, because what he actually thinks is _this is it_ and he’s praying, too, _please god, in all your mercy, save him from the world, take everything from me, strip me bare, but save him for me._  
Steve’s hair looks dark, almost dirty and it’s the last thing Bucky ever wants to see and he’s sure it’s the last thing he’ll ever remember.  
When he goes he thinks this is it and leaves his heart behind, beating and bleeding on the pavement, waiting for Steve and god and the war to stomp on it.

  
*

  
Bucky is delirious. He’s feeling like he’s far, far away, but captured at the same time. He thinks of blond hair, the difference between hay and god sent messengers.  
_Thank you for making it end like this_ , he thinks, because he’s sure this is God taking up his side of the bargain, making Bucky hurt for it, testing him and testing him, but Zola could cut of Bucky’s hand, his arm, and hed willingly take it all, if only it would mean that Steve gets to live.  
Memory and aching desire mix badly with unspeakable pain and when Bucky opens his eyes again Steve is suddenly there with him.  
Looking like God personally had touched him, made him resilient, matched the outside to the tough inside. Made beautiful, perfect Steve whole as if he ever needed fixing.  
_Thank you for making it end like this_ , Bucky thinks and is grateful.

  
*

  
Bucky – who’s been painfully aware of everything, the shattering disaster of his life, the unforgiving pain of unrequited love since he first found the strands of gold in Steve Rogers’ hair when they were 13 is unexpectedly surprised to find, that apparently his feelings grow with the object of desire.  
Steve has always been bright, but now he’s blinding and Bucky happily stares into the light, because there’s no one dumber than the one who’s love is pure.

  
*

  
He remembers this: Winifred Barnes comforting her little son after his father’s death. Telling him stories about heaven and hell and how his father is going to go to heaven, because he said his prayers almost every Sunday and remembered to be good, too.  
He also remembers her telling him that dying is quick and painless, leaving no thought or word, just like falling asleep.

But when Bucky falls from a train in Austria the world comes crashing in around him and what he thinks is this; there’s no escape from God’s promises and this is the end, falling and falling, icy wind cutting into exposing skin, falling and falling, pale screaming against the white silence and ruffled hair paling in the distance.  
_Finally_ , he thinks and then –

nothing.

  
*

The asset isn’t thinking.  
*  
The asset isn’t thinking.  
*  
The asset isn’t thinking.

  
*

  
There’s a faint hint of – _something_. The idea of knowledge or a distant memory. There is – there is –  
_I knew him_ , someone thinks.

Then:  
The asset isn’t thinking.

*

  
It’s like coming up for air. It’s like opening your eyes against blazing light. It’s like burning alive and freezing to death. It’s the beginning and end. It’s forever and never.  
“Cause I’m with you to the end of the line, pal.” The mission croaks, blood smearing his face, running into his hair and eyes, red and dark against rosy skin and yellow hair.  
The asset tries to think nothing. The asset fights. The other one fights to come up. Someone wins.

  
Bucky Barnes wakes up in hell.

  
_This is the end_ , he thinks.


End file.
